Author: J&R Clinical Psychologist
First published: 22-10-2024
Developing self-compassion is a powerful support for emotional resilience and long-term mental wellbeing. However, for many individuals – especially in today’s often critical world – being kind to oneself can feel foreign or near impossible. However, research and clinical experience show that self-compassion is not only vital for overcoming mental health challenges, but it also builds the resilience needed to face life’s inevitable setbacks.
“The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.”
This idea from renowned psychologist Carl Rogers is central to self-compassion. It is not about ignoring flaws or difficulties; rather, it is about acknowledging them with kindness and using that understanding as a platform for personal growth.
What is Self-Compassion?
At its core, self-compassion involves treating ourselves with the same kindness, care, and concern we would offer a friend. Let’s break it down into three key components:
- Self-kindness over Self-judgment: Instead of berating ourselves for perceived shortcomings, we respond with warmth and understanding.
- Common Humanity over Isolation: Recognising that suffering and imperfections are a shared part of the human experience, rather than something that isolates us.
- Mindfulness over Over-identification: Being present with our painful feelings without allowing them to define us or overwhelm our identity.
At J&R Clinical Psychologists in Perth, we integrate these principles into our therapeutic practice to help individuals develop a more compassionate relationship with themselves.
How Self-Compassion Impacts Mental Health
Clinical studies have demonstrated that self-compassion can alleviate symptoms of anxiety, depression, and trauma. People with higher self-compassion tend to recover faster from stress and setbacks, experience less emotional exhaustion, and are better able to maintain a balanced sense of self-worth. This is not about becoming self-indulgent; it’s about learning to meet life’s challenges without the added burden of harsh self-criticism.
For example, an individual suffering from anxiety might often spiral into thoughts like, “Why can’t I handle things better?” or “Everyone else seems to cope, why can’t I?” At J&R, we teach clients how to shift these thoughts through evidence-based therapies such as Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) and Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), encouraging them to speak to themselves with understanding and patience.
Therapies that Support Self-Compassion
- Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT): CBT helps clients identify and challenge unhelpful thought patterns that fuel self-criticism. For instance, if you constantly tell yourself, “I’m a failure,” CBT works to reframe that belief into a more balanced perspective, like, “I’m struggling right now, but I have the capacity to improve.” By modifying negative self-talk, and encouraging goal-directed, confidence-lifting behaviour, CBT strengthens self-compassion.
- Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT): ACT teaches individuals to embrace their thoughts and feelings without judgment, fostering a kinder, more accepting relationship with oneself. ACT focuses on values-driven action, which can help clients align their behaviours with their personal values, even when uncomfortable emotions are present. A key message in ACT is “You are not your thoughts,” which encourages clients to unhook from negative self-beliefs and respond with compassion rather than judgment.
- Mindfulness-Based Cognitive Therapy (MBCT): Mindfulness is a powerful tool in developing self-compassion and can be used as a stand-alone therapy or within other therapy approaches. MBCT encourages individuals to observe their thoughts and feelings without becoming entangled in them. By practicing mindfulness, individuals can become aware of their inner critic and start to disengage from self-critical thoughts, replacing them with more neutral or compassionate ones.
- Schema Therapy and Internal Family Systems (IFS): These approaches work to help individuals identify and understand different ‘parts’ of themselves, whether we call these schemas/modes (in Schema Therapy) or subpersonalities/parts (in IFS). While there are a huge number of parts/modes that people can experience, many people identify experiencing a worrier mode, a punitive or critical mode, as well as a healthy adult mode. Schema Therapy and IFS works to help people recognised that these parts developed as protective mechanisms in response to past experiences. Skills are then developed to foster a compassionate, non-judgmental attitude toward these parts. The aim is to develop a strong, nurturing “Healthy Adult” (in Schema Therapy) or “Self” (in IFS) that can offer kindness and understanding to other parts.
- Compassion focussed therapy (CFT): CFT is an approach with lots of evidence behind it for addressing various issues including anxiety, depression, and self-criticism. The key aim of CFT is to help people develop a more balanced and compassionate relationship with themselves and others. At its core, CFT recognizes that our brains have evolved with three primary emotional regulation systems:, each playing a crucial role in our well-being:
- The Threat System
This is our brain’s alarm system, it is often oversensitive and overactive, leading to heightened anxiety, anger, or shame. - The Drive System
This motivates us to achieve goals and seek rewards, often as a way to cope with threats. It can lead to constant striving for perfection. - The Soothing System
This calming centre promotes feelings of safety and connection but is often underdeveloped in those struggling with mental health issues.
- The Threat System
CFT aims to balance these systems. When the threat system is overactive, the drive system is overused for coping, and the soothing system underutilised, emotional challenges result. CFT focuses on strengthening the soothing system through techniques like mindfulness and compassionate mind training. By cultivating a compassionate inner voice, individuals learn to manage their emotional responses more effectively, leading to improved well-being.
Breaking Through Common Barriers
It is important to recognise that developing self-compassion is not always easy. Many people, particularly those who’ve experienced trauma or who live with high levels of anxiety, feel that they don’t deserve kindness or that being compassionate towards themselves might make them weak. Others may feel that self-compassion is too “soft” or that it might make them complacent.
However, evidence shows the opposite. Self-compassion is not about being self-indulgent or letting yourself off the hook. It’s about motivating yourself to make changes with encouragement, rather than criticism. Our psychologists at J&R work with clients to break down these barriers, helping them see that self-compassion is not only beneficial but necessary for sustained mental well-being.
The Role of Self-Worth
Self-compassion is closely linked to self-worth. When we are compassionate towards ourselves, we reinforce the belief that we are worthy of kindness and care. This is a crucial aspect of the healing process, especially for those who have lived with low self-esteem or have been through experiences that have eroded their sense of self-worth, such as trauma or abuse.
At J&R, we use therapies like Schema Therapy to address deep-rooted beliefs about worthlessness and to build a stronger, more resilient sense of self. Clients learn to recognise and challenge the negative self-beliefs that contribute to feelings of low self-worth, and instead, embrace a more compassionate, value-driven approach to life.
How J&R Can Help You Build Self-Compassion
At J&R Clinical Psychologists, we specialise in helping clients cultivate self-compassion through bespoke, evidence-based therapies. Our psychologists understand that everyone’s journey is unique, and we tailor our approaches to meet your specific needs.
Whether you’re dealing with anxiety, depression, or just everyday stress, developing self-compassion can lead to profound changes in how you relate to yourself and the world around you. Self-compassion isn’t a quick fix, but it’s a powerful and sustainable way to heal, grow, and live more fully.
Remember the words of the Dalai Lama, “If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion.”
If you’re ready to start your journey towards greater self-compassion, contact us at J&R Clinical Psychologists. We’re here to help you every step of the way.
You may also like to explore more resources on the Compassionate Mind Foundation’s website : https://www.compassionatemind.co.uk/
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